it's been a long long time since i've written anything down... too many thoughts to figure out. emotions i can't pinpoint. ever since the failed ivf, i mean, a complete failure that even the dr suggested not going further, i've not known what to write, how to put down how i felt exactly. and then, ther'r the ppl that r ever encouraging, suggesting this dr n other dr they hv known  frnd's hv used n had success at. or other suggests that once it's over, i'd get pregnant without even trying. it's been nearly 1/2 yr now. i think the fact is, there's not gonna b a child. n now, i just hv to deal with it.
i think the worst part is, i can't help the inner feeling of jealousy n envy whenever i hear another frnd or someone nearby getting pregn left-n-rt. it's a feeling i've had to suppress cuz it isn't a good feeling. i don't want to end up being one of those women who hate or gets jaded. i mean, nvr thought ths was in my plans, that i'd want a child n hv my body tell me NO! i think that's the worst, having ur body tell u NO... like there's no choice for me — i hv no control... that i'm not going to get what i wanted n just hv to deal with it. this is not easy to deal with tho. how do u naturally b happy for others that announces with pride, their pregnancy? n not feel jealous or envy? or b pitied upon by others who tread carefully around u abt ths subject?
yes, maybe going to c a psychologist or a support group will help. then again, i prefer to deal with it myself.
it's a training for the inner self to try to align with the outer self, no?

on other note.
i am moving back to soCal ths sat. flying to palm springs for a girls nite with my cat. then home to my parents'
we'll try to fig out our future elsewhere. pdx is just not quite for me.
i've packed up my studio n today i will go n rtn the keys. somehow, when i started here, there was just a box, n over the span of 1.5 yr, i've managed to accumulate a bunch of things. amazing how as humans, we tend to collect things. then manage to move from 1 spot to another w/all these things. n no matter how much u try n try to keep it minimal, there r just still a lot of "stuff"
anyway, until we actually have a place to move-TO. i've managed to absorb all the things back into our 1 bedroom condo. it's looking a bit crowded, i  must say.
still, this is so exciting that we r moving out of here. the gray n wetness just... depresses me. altho i'll b missing my new frnds n the food here. o i do really love the resto scenes here. so many choices n all so nearby. no traffic to deal with. good public transport, this is a very walkable town. n having a studio for such low cost, that, i prob cannot find in LA or OC...but o, i can't seem to trade all this for the SUN n warmth.
there r still a few loose ends to tie up here n there; i am ready. i will set things up right away in oc to start back at my freelance gigs for work n try to fig out places i can possibly show my art work. n fig out where i can set up temp studio space n start working. maybe, just maybe, i can learn to b teacher assistant at the art class where sean goes n c if i can b an art teacher (part-time).
ths yr, i also want to maybe attend a yoga retreat? maybe, it's been something in my mind to do. learn to surf, really surf. get back o rock-climbing (gym) find another dance place like bodyvox (my stretch class), etc.

i wanna get back to being playful again.
was in whistler with my sister and her boyz. seeing them always cheers me up.

another goal we hv, since we r going to b child-less, would b to spend more time w/our families n help out with the kids. play play play, that is wht i kno best wht n how to do. so why not play w/the kids in the family? n maybe teach too.
o speaking of play, kiss is wondering why i'm sitting here for so long n not playing with HER.
so signing off.