never sorry + marwencol

today, we watched 2 documentary films on artist and their moment.
 Ai Wei Wei: NEVER Sorry

2 very different artists on very different subjects on 2 diff continents.
but each has something to say... b it social or personal. they r all saying something important. something that resonates within each of us.

aiweiwei is on the grand scale of social and political issues. in ths country and other "western" ones, we r not so appreciative of our personal freedom. nor r we so aware. cuz  it's something we really have taken for granted. there isn't an imminent threat that if we tweet about our opinions, ther is an highly likely chance we might "disappear" or b house-arrested. i'm very touched by this film and how much it's shared to me of an artist i like but hasn't in-depth knowledge of.
i first chanced upon his sunflower seeds exhibit at the Tate Modern. and i had thought, wow, what an amazing guy. here is an artist with a lot to say. but, i didn't do a thorough research of him nor follow his tweets. then when i saw his movie, i was so moved and shocked. where was i last year when he disappeared? taken by the gov't. under house arrest. fined for tax evasion? what??!!
but, i've known this is what his gov't does to its citizens, when it wants to have an excuse to charge them with something. they charge u with tax evasion. nothing like money cripple a citizen. if u can't pay up, then u r put in jail. u r not in jail for "political" reasons, therefore, ther isn't human rights issue is there? how clever.

—nothing certain in life but death and taxes.

Marwencol (mark, wendy, colleen)

this is a man, whom, after a violent attack on his person, tries to put his life back and make sense of it thru his own world of dolls. his narrative is much more personal but also just as interesting and valid, i find. and though he didn't train as an artist or had the intention to show his work to the world, his world also is just as beautiful. and very inspiring. not coy nor ironic. simply is. and that is very hard to find these days in the art world, or anywhere. everyone has a voice, yet with internet, we r so aware that we r putting it out ther for ppl to read, discover, discuss, etc. it's like, u r aware that u r being photographed, so it's intended for an audience. whereas mark, well, its origins were personal. his world was himself. his storyline that is his whole since the attack. it's his own therapy but since it's shared to the world, i think many of us were able "share" in his loneliness n his stories. it's beautiful all the same.

i'm not doing these films justice. anyway, just watch the films.



it's been a long long time since i've written anything down... too many thoughts to figure out. emotions i can't pinpoint. ever since the failed ivf, i mean, a complete failure that even the dr suggested not going further, i've not known what to write, how to put down how i felt exactly. and then, ther'r the ppl that r ever encouraging, suggesting this dr n other dr they hv known  frnd's hv used n had success at. or other suggests that once it's over, i'd get pregnant without even trying. it's been nearly 1/2 yr now. i think the fact is, there's not gonna b a child. n now, i just hv to deal with it.
i think the worst part is, i can't help the inner feeling of jealousy n envy whenever i hear another frnd or someone nearby getting pregn left-n-rt. it's a feeling i've had to suppress cuz it isn't a good feeling. i don't want to end up being one of those women who hate or gets jaded. i mean, nvr thought ths was in my plans, that i'd want a child n hv my body tell me NO! i think that's the worst, having ur body tell u NO... like there's no choice for me — i hv no control... that i'm not going to get what i wanted n just hv to deal with it. this is not easy to deal with tho. how do u naturally b happy for others that announces with pride, their pregnancy? n not feel jealous or envy? or b pitied upon by others who tread carefully around u abt ths subject?
yes, maybe going to c a psychologist or a support group will help. then again, i prefer to deal with it myself.
it's a training for the inner self to try to align with the outer self, no?

on other note.
i am moving back to soCal ths sat. flying to palm springs for a girls nite with my cat. then home to my parents'
we'll try to fig out our future elsewhere. pdx is just not quite for me.
i've packed up my studio n today i will go n rtn the keys. somehow, when i started here, there was just a box, n over the span of 1.5 yr, i've managed to accumulate a bunch of things. amazing how as humans, we tend to collect things. then manage to move from 1 spot to another w/all these things. n no matter how much u try n try to keep it minimal, there r just still a lot of "stuff"
anyway, until we actually have a place to move-TO. i've managed to absorb all the things back into our 1 bedroom condo. it's looking a bit crowded, i  must say.
still, this is so exciting that we r moving out of here. the gray n wetness just... depresses me. altho i'll b missing my new frnds n the food here. o i do really love the resto scenes here. so many choices n all so nearby. no traffic to deal with. good public transport, this is a very walkable town. n having a studio for such low cost, that, i prob cannot find in LA or OC...but o, i can't seem to trade all this for the SUN n warmth.
there r still a few loose ends to tie up here n there; i am ready. i will set things up right away in oc to start back at my freelance gigs for work n try to fig out places i can possibly show my art work. n fig out where i can set up temp studio space n start working. maybe, just maybe, i can learn to b teacher assistant at the art class where sean goes n c if i can b an art teacher (part-time).
ths yr, i also want to maybe attend a yoga retreat? maybe, it's been something in my mind to do. learn to surf, really surf. get back o rock-climbing (gym) find another dance place like bodyvox (my stretch class), etc.

i wanna get back to being playful again.
was in whistler with my sister and her boyz. seeing them always cheers me up.

another goal we hv, since we r going to b child-less, would b to spend more time w/our families n help out with the kids. play play play, that is wht i kno best wht n how to do. so why not play w/the kids in the family? n maybe teach too.
o speaking of play, kiss is wondering why i'm sitting here for so long n not playing with HER.
so signing off.