9.25.2011

a surgery

woke up this morning n the the uncomfort in my tummy area came back to me. o right, i had surgery. tht was this past friday, i went in to the dr's office for a very small surgery (removing the eggs from my ovaries), yet it still requires a full  body anesthesia. it's the strangest sensation, being in a hospital bed, u r being wheeled around. the perspective from ther is so.."this is not me n wher i am supposed to b" sensation. the nurses n drs r really nice n gentle with u. they try to explain every single thing they r doing, then they show u the little needle with the drugs n say, "now we'r going to inject u with this" n b4 u kno it, ur lite r turned out. everything else that happens during tht time, u r not a participant of, at least u hv no memories of it.
the time btwn tht n when u wake up can b really long or just a mere few hrs, but the anesthesia screwed it all up for u, cuz it's all lost. to me, it was just a mere flash. i woke up, n someone has already gone into my body n removed the little eggs. i don't even feel where the incisions were. then the pain starts. o yes, tho my mind has no recollection of wht happened, my body sure felt it, hard. the drugs n pain killers wears off n the insides of ur body is screaming out at u. someone has invaded in interior landscape i had held so sacred n closed to myself. every movement i make, i can feel the bruise from inside-out. i'm bloated n i hv to walk around like an old lady. no running or sudden movements. u realized how much of ur core muscles r taken out. when u use it, it's affected. even trying to sit up, u can feel the bruise inside n the pain. the simplest coughing or laugh, even speaking louder take a toll out of ur core. every twist n turn of my torso, i can feel the shift of my tummy, like someone has shaken loose my insides. altho the dr tells u tht it's a simple procedure, but they never tell u how much recovery time it takes. i had thought, ok, going home now n by sunday, i'll b fine again like normal. but no. i don't think so. nothing is going to b normal...
ther were 15 btw, then yesterday they say, only 2 fertilized. n we'll hv to wait n c if they survive til wed for the transfer. cross my fingers. it's tough to keep a positive attitude but am gonna try. this time til wed, the waiting to find out is dragging. longest wait of wondering ever.
wait, i was just going to write about the strangest feeling i had about the experience of being in a surgery. i digress. guess i'm just rambling on now. the fresh thoughts i had this morning upon waking is now a jumbled mess.

9.22.2011

lilac wine by blind


this video by vanessa marzaroli of blind, is what i've always envisioned my paintings would b like animated. one day, i will get around to do this... luv this. this article on the theory of new media art is also very interesting, talking about the time in-btwn.

9.17.2011

late


i hv abt 6 embryos growing on 1 side n 8 on the other. a little slower than normal, guess i'm just a late-comer

9.16.2011

hundred valley exhibit

remember i had submitted a pc n been selected in a juried show? yes. that is starting tonite, the reception. but, it's 3 hrs drive south. i think i'll hv to pass on it. focus on my work n ivf. but here is the postcard from the show. un peu de pays, but ok. 

9.07.2011

they can't just go to the store and buy peanuts!

...that is what this woman, walking her dog, yelled at from across the street, as i was collecting these acorns from the curbside of the park. only in portland, will there b someone to tell u off abt anything, when it's none of their biz! n when i told her tht i only collect the tiny ones, she went off n said they even eat the tiny ones. then she babbled on some more which i cudn't hear from across the streets n on-coming cars, then i decided to ignore her. 
n no, i didn't steal these from the squirrels. i collected most of these from the curbside n street sides. or from areas without squirrels such as parking lot, where they'r often crushed by the cars or ppl passing by. humans, do most of the damage anyways, to these acorns. whenever i walk past trees with these acorns falling off, it's normally the gardeners, city maintenance crew tht blow these off n cart them off as trash.
anyhoo. i'm having a lot of fun collecting these acorns. they r so beautiful. it's fascinating tht it began as these tiny bulbs with scaly shell, then the seed grows from inside n creates an opening thru the bulb. it continues to grow n expand until it's bigger n the bulb is now a cap to the actual nut. the color chgs too from tan to green to tan then darkening to dark brown as the acorns we often seen illustrated. hopefully, i'll hv enuf 4 a larger frame for my series. i guess this 1 will hv to b called, peanuts?