8.10.2011

baby trials n errors

i spent nearly all of my life worried about getting pregnant. unplanned n unwanted pregnancy was constantly in the back of my head. i hadn't even thought of it as a big deal when my ob/gyn nurse warned me when i turned 36, tht it'll b difficult to hv a kid by tht age, n tht she was obligated to warn me by "law"!!! cuz baby was just never in my plans back then. i've been free as a bird. 
then i turned 39 n got married. life plans sort of took a different turn when 1 has a partner who gets a say in my life now too. so we've been trying to hv ths baby. it's not too encouraging to learn tht altho i'm healthiest 41 (now nearly 42) yr old around me, my eggs r still 40+ yrs old... n that is, i guess, old. nothing like such a news to show u ur age, no matter how u look or feel.
so now it's aug turning into sept, i can truly feel what ppl used to say, "the clock ticking away"
damn, this used to b no big deal to me. age wasn't an obstacle at all. it was just time passing, but i didn't really hear the ticking sound of the time b4 now. it's all very depressing to kno tht as i'm trying, my body is just not cooperating. so now, we'r gonna do the ivf procedure. tho it's always been something i thought i'd draw the line at, i just hv to give it a try, just to kno for sure tht i tried everything possible. it's gonna b a painful process. very nervous abt the needles n various drugs i hv to take n insert n the schedule of each item. then, ther isn't even a guarantee successful outcome! it's all a waiting game. it's been a long waiting game, ths past yr. i feel as if i've been put on hold, in a way. every month, ther is an expectation n a let down. so tiring. i just want to kno if it's happening or not! anyhoo. so i will start this cycle and if this doesn't happen, then we r moving on. no more treatments n no more tries. finito!


on lighter note.
we'r all set for block island at the end of ths month. kirk will fly home for a few days while i go ahead to nyc. then we will meet up ther n enjoy our 1st anniversary on b.i. can't wait to share the island with him. it'll b fun.

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