8.16.2011

rien à dire

today, i'm not going to complain. i've a good life to start and i will keep up a good attitude about ths baby thing.

8.14.2011

vessel 4 a babe...?

so i was with my acupuncturist, uma, the other day. n b4 she left me alone with the needles in me, she asked me to picture this... imagine tht i was a vessel n ready to receive this love for the baby that will grow inside me. and that all i have is love for this thing.... hmmmm. then the light flicked-on inside me. maybe, just maybe, all this talk of the baby, i just hadn't been feeling it?
when i hold my kitty, i feel a lot of love n cuddliness for her.
but... when i think about the possible invasion of a creature tht will take over my body (like aliens), feed off me, chg me, grow inside me, n then rip me apart so it can come out n take over my life... hmmmm. i shudder a bit. n maybe. maybe, this is why it hasn't happened for me, this whole baby thing. i just hadn't n cudn't wrap my mind around this whole thing. i guess ths is wht i need to work on, the inside of me need to feel like a vessel...
well, something to chew on anyway.

mini house

this is a blog by brendon & akua in vancouver. they've built n moved into their new home recently. this is a small footprint house built in the other end of the yard of brendon's parents' house. it's really very green in the way it's built and of course, this is a proof that, who needs a huge house?

8.10.2011

baby trials n errors

i spent nearly all of my life worried about getting pregnant. unplanned n unwanted pregnancy was constantly in the back of my head. i hadn't even thought of it as a big deal when my ob/gyn nurse warned me when i turned 36, tht it'll b difficult to hv a kid by tht age, n tht she was obligated to warn me by "law"!!! cuz baby was just never in my plans back then. i've been free as a bird. 
then i turned 39 n got married. life plans sort of took a different turn when 1 has a partner who gets a say in my life now too. so we've been trying to hv ths baby. it's not too encouraging to learn tht altho i'm healthiest 41 (now nearly 42) yr old around me, my eggs r still 40+ yrs old... n that is, i guess, old. nothing like such a news to show u ur age, no matter how u look or feel.
so now it's aug turning into sept, i can truly feel what ppl used to say, "the clock ticking away"
damn, this used to b no big deal to me. age wasn't an obstacle at all. it was just time passing, but i didn't really hear the ticking sound of the time b4 now. it's all very depressing to kno tht as i'm trying, my body is just not cooperating. so now, we'r gonna do the ivf procedure. tho it's always been something i thought i'd draw the line at, i just hv to give it a try, just to kno for sure tht i tried everything possible. it's gonna b a painful process. very nervous abt the needles n various drugs i hv to take n insert n the schedule of each item. then, ther isn't even a guarantee successful outcome! it's all a waiting game. it's been a long waiting game, ths past yr. i feel as if i've been put on hold, in a way. every month, ther is an expectation n a let down. so tiring. i just want to kno if it's happening or not! anyhoo. so i will start this cycle and if this doesn't happen, then we r moving on. no more treatments n no more tries. finito!


on lighter note.
we'r all set for block island at the end of ths month. kirk will fly home for a few days while i go ahead to nyc. then we will meet up ther n enjoy our 1st anniversary on b.i. can't wait to share the island with him. it'll b fun.