6.15.2004

inner struggle outward journey

it's decided. i will fly to taiwan on monday. just bought a way overpriced ticket ther... to hang out w/my grandpa's body until the funeral on july 20th.
when i die, i want to b instantly cremated, none of this traditional stuff. cuz the body is just a body, when u'r gone, it no longer contain the essence. but this is family tradition. i've stuggled with the thought and idea. b'cuz i hv alrdy said good-bye to my grandpa personally when i visited him ths past march. and i kno he will understand if i don't attend his funeral or the waiting time b4.
i'm doing this for my father, b'cuz, i don't want him to b ther all alone. and since my mom can't b ther for him, and since i'm the only one with the free time... i wl go. i'll bring the Tibetan Book of the Dead like jimmy suggested, and read ther. i dunno how much of this being couped up with my gdad's body i can stand, but.... it's a learning experience? we'll c.
with grandma, i did it, so i should b able to do this too? the only thing is, i really don't understand why i'm instinctively resisting this concept..
this will b a journey i take to think about y then.
......
on the other thought.
interesting weekend i had... the psycho chick i mentioned b4, has got a job up in san jose, wl b moving up ther. time for celebration here! however, all our mutual frnds r worried for the couple she has now attched herself to. with her sob story, she was able to enlist their help in obtaining a job thru his company. and she has asked to stay with the couple until she gets situated up north. this has all of us worried, due to her history of burning bridges... her irresponsibility toward others.
i kno i shouldn't bad-mouth people, and i've always believing in giving ppl chances to change. so far, i've seen none of her changes taking place. wl chg of environmnt chg her ways? i dunno. i really want to give her t/benefit of doubt, but so far... my doubts r stronger. and everyone who attended t/wedding wnt to the couple and tried to warn them. i guess she really has no frnds left down here. so sad.
it is a sad life to lead.
i wanted to forgive her, i do. i also saw her after t/wedding n tried to forgive her.
however, t/nxt day, while i was talking to the couple, i found out tht she told some untruths about me and why i m no longer her close frnd. the reason she gave was tht i dropped her when she attempted suicide! wht lies! she has crossed the lines once again! her lies just no long sits well with me. i always thought i can b very forgiving towards ppl. now i'm finding i hv my limits too. no one has bugged me as much as this b4.
let ths b my learning experience. my brother said to me. well, it has bn very enlightening. i sh/trust my instincts more. setting boundaries sometimes is very important with ppl. not all can b trusted to kno t/invisible lines tht r and is.

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