6.17.2004

emotional flight

for a while now, my frnd has bn using me to fend off an ex-grlfrnd and possible new grlfrnds. all these women who wants to possess him. and all he wants to b is freedom from this possession. like osho said, relating is easy, but relationship, dat's a whole other ship to deal with (ok, dat's my interpretations of it) and i can not agree more. i often fight with that longing to belong with another soul and yet i'm also constantly resisting tht concept, b'cuz at this day n age, the meeting is when u learn about urself and others. and closing urself off to all the possibilities of the world is just not fair to urself and the others. and when u'r possessed by another (claimed by another) it's very tough to go with the flow of things that just happens.
on occassion, i do hv tht longing, tru. it's wht we feel when we'r lonely alone and don't kno how to deal with tht emotion. and seeing everyone as couples everywhere u turn has tht effect. it's but a fleeting moment, if u lift urself above it n c the blue skies and expansive ocean n universe beyond, can i not say i'm happy now? i can't plan the future or worry about the past, nor live for just now wher ther's no tmrw. just being aware tht ther's a future possibility and past experience to ground me, i'm happily, sadly, angrily, bubbly, all at once in the moment as it flows thru me, as i'm typing listening to the ticking sound of the clock and the drip from my faucet.
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i'm okay with my mom not being ther for my father. she looks exhausted. as a daughter, i shouldn't judge her for being stressed and fragile, nor selfish. i m selfish myself too. and after pondering upon it, who m i to say i won't b afraid myself of what is going on or happening. i can't b stingy towards the person who gave me life and raised me. she is my mother after all, and well, i wl go in place of her for my dad who does care and need the moral support. not tht i can do much but just b ther...

4 comments:

Simone said...

Sophia its great that you are going to be there for your Dad. I'm sure he needs someone during this difficult time, and you two seem close. I remember when you did it for your Gramma. Hang in there.

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