6.29.2004

mumble jumble

hmmmm, where do i begin? i was going to mk a travel-logue here... but the last week, i've just sorta bn in n out of this place and ther tht i hadn't time, well, mainly energy, to write or organise my thoughts.
i arrived in taiwan with victor, and i sent him off today to LA... i wl b here til 8th of july, tho i'm not sure wht i'll do w/all this time alone here. hang out w/gangster frnds (brother's) or housewife frnds (sister's)??? or by myself with the mosquitoes. i did manage to kill two today, one had blood (mine) so we'r squared, the other was about to suck my blood, so i got her good!
hmmmm, i'm sleepy again, i can't believe how much the pollution n weather or something here is draining my energy! something is weird here.
typhoon is about to hit the island tho so it's bn really hot during the morning, n in t/afternoon ther'd b thunderstorm. thank goodness i bought some books today, in case i wl end up gettin stuck at home due to heavy rain... who knos.
during this 49 days of mourning, we'r supposed to go about life as usual, just no partying, major laughter, etc. tmrw nite, i wl break t/rules once, i wl go to ROOM 18 and dance a bit... tho i'm not sure if i really wanna go, cuz all ppl do ther is drink n drink some more. not really fun for me. maybe i can find an excuse out of not goin? wht i'd like to chk out is the MOS (ministry of sound) here in taipei.
alrt, i'm gettin really sleepy, wl post up the fotos i hv another day.....

6.23.2004

flying

flying during the peak season to taiwan from lax is always a bad idea. don't do it unless u hv to, like us, me n victor. the ticket is so damn expensive, n every single seat is filled, children screaming! and if u r planning on going econo class, like us, forget eva air, it totally sux big time! i guess i'd bn spoilt by singapore n other airlines... w/personal tv screens and better food overall, and better looking flt attendants, for sure! haha.
our flt was 5:30 and we arrived at the airport by 2pm, but u hv to go thru this security chk line for ur luggages b4 u can chk in at the counter. dat took us about +1 hr to go thru, so we weren't able to get hold of any asile seat... suckers! naturally i'm in the middle of people :-(
at least i was ther with my brother, another being to suffer w/me, haha.



b;cuz of the flt tho, i got a chance to read the book my frnd lent me, THE GOLDEN COMPASS, by Philip Pullman. i love it, now i'm hooked on reading the nxt book in the series.i think so far, i'm liking it more than harry pott-head.

6.19.2004

nyc...

what do u think if i go to nyc and work at smp for a short while? is it possible?
talked to david today, boy, i've just been thinking about moving again... n here he called, haha, just in time to plant the idea in my head to go back n freelance a little at smp maybe? hmmm, spending the summer there wd b kinda cool. i do miss nyc, and my frnds there. a nice change of pace too. i wonder....
first things first, gonna fly 14 hrs to taiwan n chk out things. hopefully get a lot of reading done. chk'd out a bunch of books from the library here. so cool, u can search for books online from home and put things on hold, tell it at which branch u'r picking up the books and renew them online too! can't b any easier. awesome!

6.17.2004

backtrack a little, yosemite

this is my dad and the little monkey boy (brendon) in yosemite, family trip. the only members missing r my sister n ming (n kids).



emotional flight

for a while now, my frnd has bn using me to fend off an ex-grlfrnd and possible new grlfrnds. all these women who wants to possess him. and all he wants to b is freedom from this possession. like osho said, relating is easy, but relationship, dat's a whole other ship to deal with (ok, dat's my interpretations of it) and i can not agree more. i often fight with that longing to belong with another soul and yet i'm also constantly resisting tht concept, b'cuz at this day n age, the meeting is when u learn about urself and others. and closing urself off to all the possibilities of the world is just not fair to urself and the others. and when u'r possessed by another (claimed by another) it's very tough to go with the flow of things that just happens.
on occassion, i do hv tht longing, tru. it's wht we feel when we'r lonely alone and don't kno how to deal with tht emotion. and seeing everyone as couples everywhere u turn has tht effect. it's but a fleeting moment, if u lift urself above it n c the blue skies and expansive ocean n universe beyond, can i not say i'm happy now? i can't plan the future or worry about the past, nor live for just now wher ther's no tmrw. just being aware tht ther's a future possibility and past experience to ground me, i'm happily, sadly, angrily, bubbly, all at once in the moment as it flows thru me, as i'm typing listening to the ticking sound of the clock and the drip from my faucet.
-----
i'm okay with my mom not being ther for my father. she looks exhausted. as a daughter, i shouldn't judge her for being stressed and fragile, nor selfish. i m selfish myself too. and after pondering upon it, who m i to say i won't b afraid myself of what is going on or happening. i can't b stingy towards the person who gave me life and raised me. she is my mother after all, and well, i wl go in place of her for my dad who does care and need the moral support. not tht i can do much but just b ther...

6.15.2004

inner struggle outward journey

it's decided. i will fly to taiwan on monday. just bought a way overpriced ticket ther... to hang out w/my grandpa's body until the funeral on july 20th.
when i die, i want to b instantly cremated, none of this traditional stuff. cuz the body is just a body, when u'r gone, it no longer contain the essence. but this is family tradition. i've stuggled with the thought and idea. b'cuz i hv alrdy said good-bye to my grandpa personally when i visited him ths past march. and i kno he will understand if i don't attend his funeral or the waiting time b4.
i'm doing this for my father, b'cuz, i don't want him to b ther all alone. and since my mom can't b ther for him, and since i'm the only one with the free time... i wl go. i'll bring the Tibetan Book of the Dead like jimmy suggested, and read ther. i dunno how much of this being couped up with my gdad's body i can stand, but.... it's a learning experience? we'll c.
with grandma, i did it, so i should b able to do this too? the only thing is, i really don't understand why i'm instinctively resisting this concept..
this will b a journey i take to think about y then.
......
on the other thought.
interesting weekend i had... the psycho chick i mentioned b4, has got a job up in san jose, wl b moving up ther. time for celebration here! however, all our mutual frnds r worried for the couple she has now attched herself to. with her sob story, she was able to enlist their help in obtaining a job thru his company. and she has asked to stay with the couple until she gets situated up north. this has all of us worried, due to her history of burning bridges... her irresponsibility toward others.
i kno i shouldn't bad-mouth people, and i've always believing in giving ppl chances to change. so far, i've seen none of her changes taking place. wl chg of environmnt chg her ways? i dunno. i really want to give her t/benefit of doubt, but so far... my doubts r stronger. and everyone who attended t/wedding wnt to the couple and tried to warn them. i guess she really has no frnds left down here. so sad.
it is a sad life to lead.
i wanted to forgive her, i do. i also saw her after t/wedding n tried to forgive her.
however, t/nxt day, while i was talking to the couple, i found out tht she told some untruths about me and why i m no longer her close frnd. the reason she gave was tht i dropped her when she attempted suicide! wht lies! she has crossed the lines once again! her lies just no long sits well with me. i always thought i can b very forgiving towards ppl. now i'm finding i hv my limits too. no one has bugged me as much as this b4.
let ths b my learning experience. my brother said to me. well, it has bn very enlightening. i sh/trust my instincts more. setting boundaries sometimes is very important with ppl. not all can b trusted to kno t/invisible lines tht r and is.

6.14.2004

wedding at cataling room

a most fun time i've had at a wedding.
brian & christina
the newly wedded couple and their wedding party really made it great fun.
time sorta just passed us by so quickly. happy moment of friends coming together, for a ceremony, celebration, how rare of a moment is that, the coming together of so many people? i felt as if we were on a tropical island being outdoors like that and secluded from t/outside world of LA area. someone at table 2 (my table) found out that this used to b t/original sea world. amazing spot!




to c all of the fotos from my camera, u can visit these pgs:
Brian & Chris wedding foto page 1
and
Brian & Chris wedding foto page 2

6.13.2004

my new hair...

this is me before and after the haircut, and going darker in color
not sure if i like it yet...
but my hair had so much damage n dryness, my hair stylist, Nao, was not too happy.
he said the american shampoo r way too harsh, they'r like the equivalent of dishwasher detergents, he says.
he was really nice and gave me a bottle of leave-in hair treatment.
i think i'm gonna try to grow it out long again like i used to have and maybe.... have curls again?

testing...

i'm learning to post picture with my blog.
here goes



this is a nice statue of budha, but i just can't seem to remember wher in the world i got it from...?
such short term memory.

6.12.2004

emotive

"Venus transits across the face of the Sun today -- a rare event that highlights love and relationships. Also, a dynamic square between Mercury and Uranus, the two mental planets, adds an uplifting component to the day. Look for the pace of communication to increase and events on the world scene to get even stranger. We truly can enjoy life now, but there is a background, an existential angst that just won't let go. Enjoy what you can, but don't judge yourself too harshly for what you cannot control."

a friends send me this note about the stars.
i felt a deep accord for wht it is saying & simply wanted to share this with everyone.

another beautiful day has come and i hope my frnds will find some beauty in it so enjoy their day (life).

6.10.2004

today

i spent yesterday in Magic Mountain, riding roller coasters! all to celebrate Kazumi's 31st birthday.
so fun! except the only things is the head gets knocked around quite a bit.
my frnd Matthias mentioned that he can feel he's getting older cuz after a whole day of such extreme treatment to the body, he was beginning to feel a little nauseated. i guess we r all gettin a little older... but not too much wiser.
well, i wish i m just turning 31 too! and they'r complaining. i'll b 35 soon myself!
does this mean no more partying?
michael asked me arn't i too old to b raving n such?
i'm beginning to feel i m, but i love dancing so much, wht do u do then? swtch to ball room dance? no way!
age is such a weird thing.
my dad said tonite tht since the passing of my grandpa, he's now the oldest of the family. becuz of tht, he suddenly feels very old. tht is very heartfelt n sad thought. to c him feel old...
no one wants to feel the mortality of their parents, neither do i.
watching them age, ther's a certain sadness i don't kno how to pinpt.
we r all getting older by the second, but the emotions r different. he's now the oldest of the oldest of the clan. and dat is a heavy wt on his mind n heart i bet. tho he's always held up the sky for the family, at least, he had a father to look up to. now... everyone looks to him n he's got no one above him...
anyway, this isn't any one thought can relieve the mind or the heart.
we'r just passing time thru this light to another light, hopefully with heart full of love.

6.07.2004

....

my grandpa just passed away recently.
no wonder my eyelid has been twitching all weekend long. i need to b more in tune.
life is so precious.
yet tho his passing is sad, cuz he's such a quiet beautiful man.
i believe he's longing to b in the company of my grandma, so this isn't sadness.
i should b happy tht they'r together again.

my heart is to their full lived lives.